Me at Hogwarts, Pretty Scary Idea Ain't It?
by November Clawson
Summary: In which I go to Hogwarts (i know this has been seriously overdone, but cut some slack here) I bring my sarcastic attitude, along w/ ons of insults. I cause tons of trouble, get loads of detentions, scare some people, and get Snape to wash his greasy hair
1. It All Begins

Okay, I know that this has been way overdone but I really had to do it.  
  
Summary: I go to Hogwarts. I know this has been seriously overdone. But any ways I cause tons of trouble, get loads of detentions, scare a few people. And get Snape to wash his greasy hair  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter One  
  
  
  
I still can't believe this is actually happening. I'm going to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. One day I was just sitting around when found a strange letter in the mailbox.. I open it and find out it's a Hogwarts letter. At first I thought it was some really bad joke because one I live in the U.S and two I didn't think Hogwarts was actually real. But hey, who's complaining. I get to go to Hogwarts  
  
A knock on the compartment door interrupts my thoughts. Two boys walk in, they both look strangely familiar. One is tall and has red hair and freckles, the other was about average height with messy black hair and glasses, he also had a scar on his forehead. I suddenly realize who they are.  
  
"Holy shit, your Harry Potter, and your Ron Weasley" I cried  
  
"Oh great" said Ron "another helpless fan after your heart Harry"  
  
"What did you call me?" I snapped  
  
"A helpless fan after Harry's heart"  
  
"Big mistake cabasa roja" I replied.  
  
"Why's that?" asked Harry  
  
"Cuz nobody calls me a helpless fan and gets away without any bruises" I said with an evil grin spread across my face. I pulled out my wand and said "Wingardium Leviosa" Ron flew up to the ceiling and I purposely smacked his head on the ceiling "now am I a helpless fan?"  
  
"umm no"  
  
"Good, now I'll let you down now"  
  
"Nice job" said voice from the hall. I turned.  
  
"Oh you must be Hermione, your gracious friends have told me so much about you" I said sarcastically  
  
"Thanks Harry, Ron" she replied, catching my sarcasm "I doubt they even got your name, knowing them. Always after girls"  
  
"Ahh. I'm Lindsay, by the way"  
  
"Lindsay what?"  
  
"Dorado, Lindsay Dorado who knows more about you than you think I do"  
  
"How?" asked Ron  
  
"Omniscience"  
  
"What?'  
  
"Omniscience, Ron. It means having infinate knowledge, knowing everything" Hermione said.  
  
"Okay, if you're all knowing like you say you are, who's Harry's godfather?"  
  
"Sirius Black, who was wrongly accused of working for Voldemort and betraying his best friends, namely Lily and James Potter, Harry's parents. All this you found out in your third year in the Shrieking Shack from him and Remus Lupin,"  
  
"Oh" was all Ron said. I burst out laughing.  
  
"What's so funny?" asked Harry.  
  
"You guys are so gullible" I replied "I'm not omniscient, it was a joke"  
  
"Then how do you know so much about us?" asked Hermione. I reached into my bookbag and pulled out the works of J. K. Rowling.  
  
"Someone wrote books about me?"  
  
"Yeah and a whole lot of people read them. And when I say a lot, I mean most of the world."  
  
"That's not good" said Ron "that's really not good"  
  
"It's okay, no one actually believes that it's real, though loads pretend it is, here I'll show you" I pulled out a laptop.  
  
"Hey Lindsay, those things don't work here" said Hermione  
  
"This one does" I replied "It's a magical laptop" I got online and went onto FF.net and went to Harry Potter. I let them scroll through and read stories about themselves. I pulled out my magical radio that gets any station I want and flipped to my favorite staion, where they were playing Ashanti's Foolish. I started singing while getting a sketchbook and pencil and started drawing.  
  
"All the things that we accept  
  
be that things that we regret  
  
to all of my ladies, ladies  
  
here me come on sing with me  
  
when I get the strength to leave  
  
you  
  
always tell me that you need me  
  
and I'm weak cuz I'm gon leave you  
  
and I'm mad because I love you  
  
so stop and think that maybe  
  
you could learn to appreciate me  
  
then it all remains the same that  
  
you ain't never gonna change  
  
never gonna change  
  
never gonna change"  
  
"Look it's Potter, Weasley and Granger. Oh who's this" he said looking at me "another hopeless fan of Potters I guess"  
  
"I'm Lindsay Dorado, displeased to make your acquaintance" I turned around and said to the trio. "Now children, it's people like them that are the reason we have middle fingers" they cracked up and I turned to see Malfoy looking furious. "now if you please we don't allow rodents in this compartment, or didn't you read the sign. So if you don't mind. Get the hell out ferret" They stalked off. I turned around and gave a bow. "thank you my loyal audience, thank you"  
  
After a while the talk turned to quidditch. Hermione, pulled out a book and started reading.  
  
"Hey Lindsay, are you going to try out for the team?"  
  
"Hell yes"  
  
"What house do you think you'll be in?"  
  
"Ravenclaw or Gryffindor"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I walked into the hall with first years. I had to ride on those boats with three annoying eleven year olds. For gods sake, I'm fifteen. They could at least make a presentation about it. Okay I guess I'm last then. After all the first years went McGonnal said.  
  
"This year we have a new student joining us. She will be in the fifth year. Dorado, Lindsay" I walked up to the stool and put on the hat.  
  
"Very difficult" the hat said 'lot's of courage, perfect for Gryffindor house. Intelligent, yes you'd make a great Ravenclaw. And a thirst to prove yourself"  
  
"Every pretty much has a thirst to prove themselves you stupid hat. And I'm not a very hard working person so don't even think about putting me in Hufflepuff"  
  
"feisty, are'nt you?'  
  
"Yeah so"  
  
"It takes a lot of courage to say something like that to me"  
  
"Wow, great courage, I insulted a hat, how very hard that is"  
  
"I could put you in Hufflepuf or slytherin if you keep that up"  
  
"No you can't. One: you have to put me in a house according to my thoughts. And two: I would beat the crap out of anybody in slytherin and make fun of all the Hufflepuffs, so there"  
  
"I see, there's only one place for you"  
  
"Oh really, where's that?"  
  
"GRYFFINDOR!"  
  
"Geez Linds, what took so long?"  
  
"I kept insulting the hat so it threatened to put me in Slytherin or Hufflepuff but then I told it that it couldn't do that cuz it had to do what was in my head and that I would beat the crap out of the Slytherins and make fun of all the Hufflepuffs if it did"  
  
"Wow" they said.  
  
"The only other person I've seen talk that fast is Herm" said Ron  
  
"Ron, shut up" Hermione and I said at the same time.  
  
After the feast, Dumbledore said the usual announcments and we all went to bed.  
  
  
  
  
  
END CHAPTER ONE  
  
  
  
Thank you all for deciding to read my story. I really wanted to cause trouble at Hogwarts and see Snape wash his hair. This story will not be very serious, quit the opposite in fact. Though there will be a little seriousness in it 


	2. In Which I Try to Fly Down Stairs

I Go To Hogwarts By darkfyrewolf  
  
  
  
Chapter Two  
  
"It's a damn cold night Trying to figure this life Won't you take me by the hand Take me somewhere new I don't who you are But I. I'm with you." "I'm With You"- Avril Lavigne  
  
I was walking down the main staircase, to the Great Hall for lunch. I was also singing and paying no attention to anything but my beautiful voice (yeah right, I can't carry a tune for the life of me).  
  
"Standing on the bridge, waiting in the dark, I thought that you'd be here, by now, there's nothing but the rain."  
  
For some strange reason, I decided to jump the last five steps, which in my case, was a really bad idea. For, I just happened to land on someone.  
  
"Very nice, trying to fly, are we?" voiced my unfortunate victim.  
  
"Yes, and apparantly, I suck at it"  
  
"You're right, but you're a good singer" he said "need help?" he asked, standing up.  
  
"Uh yeah" he took my hand and pulled me to my feet. "thanks" I said, turning to look at him  
  
Damn! I thought he's hot, he's real hot. Nicely tanned skin, dark brown hair, deep blue eyes, nice body.  
  
"You know, you're the first person to compliment my singing"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah, usually people tell me to shut the hell up. I'm Lindsey by the way"  
  
"Yeah, you're the transfer student, right?"  
  
"Oh, that's a nice thing to say, yes, I'm the transfer student, got a problem with it?"  
  
"Sorry, didn't mean it like that. I'm Ashen"  
  
"It's okay, what's your last name?" great question Dorado.  
  
"Niveus" "Interesting name, ashen, when you here it, you think of ash, dirty, black, and burnt. Niveus, Latin for white or snowy. When you hear the word snow, you think of white, cold, and pure. Funny how those two go together so well, two words with complete opposite meanings"  
  
"Never thought of it like that"  
  
"Yeah well, I do things like that sometimes, any ways, I'm hungry, so I'm gonna go to lunch, see ya Niv"  
  
"Bye" he climbed the stairs, and was out of sight.  
  
"Nice performance Dorado, care to teach me how to fly?" came Draco's unmistakable voice.  
  
"Care to go to hell" I snapped, turning around "oh I forgot, you already live there, you and your little slithering friends. Again, I need to correct myself, you have no friends. Everyone in Slytherin, would kill their so-called best friend just for a tiny bit of power, no go away, you're depriving some poor village of it's idiot"  
  
"That's an insult, Dorado!" he snarled (A/N: I love that word, it's so funny, snarled, hehe)  
  
"Really? Once again you've pointed out the oh so very obvious, any plans, oh wise one?"  
  
"Cut the sarcastic remarks, Dorado, duel, right now"  
  
"Sure thing, twitchy ferret"  
  
"I said, cut the remarks!" he snapped.  
  
"This ain't Burger King, Malfoy, You can't have it your way"  
  
"Why not? Imperio!" I dodged that easily.  
  
"Ooh, bad little ferret, that's illegal"  
  
"Stop talking and do something Dorado, I'm not standing here all day"  
  
"Oh, but that would be so much fun!"  
  
"Locomotor Mortis!" he shouted. Unfortunatley I didn't get out of the way fast enough.  
  
"Damn!"  
  
"I win" he stated  
  
"Really? Petrficus Totalus!" taken by surprise, poor little Draco didn't get out of the way. "seems that you've forgotten your spells little ferret. Locomotor Mortis is the leg locker curse, not body bind. Therefore, I win" I got up, and then I remembered that I had the leg locker curse on me. I fell down. "Malfoy, I know you can't laugh physically, but I don't doubt that you're laughing in your mind. Finite Incantatem. Oh, and for laughing and not laughing, Wingardium Leviosa!" I levitated Draco up to the ceiling and used a little spell to keep him there, and went to eat lunch. 


	3. In Which I Pass Some Notes

I Go to Hogwarts By darkfyrewolf  
  
  
  
Chapter Three Notes and Chocolate Pudding  
  
  
  
During Binns class, I got bored and went to my old past time for boring classes: Writing random stuff on a piece of paper!  
  
-la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la, bored, bored, bored, bored, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la , bored, bored, bored, bored, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la, bored, bored, bored, bored, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la , bored, bored, bored, bored. Writing on paper is fun! Not really but I'm completley bored.  
  
Harry passed me a note  
  
-Having fun?-  
  
-Oh yes, loads! I'm going to just crack up because I'm having just so much fun listening to the rantings of an old dead guy!-  
  
-I see, are you okay, you're not going crazy are?-  
  
-No, why do you ask?-  
  
-Cuz you sound like you need a psychiatrist-  
  
-You know why? Cuz I've been sitting here listening to an old dead guy, a guy who's never heard of head and shoulders, and a stupid kid with a cut on his forehead! I don't need help, I just need something to do!-  
  
-Hmm, how about we do something to Malfoy-  
  
-Did that yesterday remember, besides the only person I ever play pranks on is Malfoy, it's getting boring, I need a new victim-  
  
-Ron-  
  
-What about Ron?-  
  
-Ron can be your new victim-  
  
-Bad Harry! He's your best friend!- -What should we do to him?-  
  
-Turn his hair blue!-  
  
-To original, need something unique, different, and funny-  
  
-like what?- -Chocolate pudding! Lots and lots of chocolate pudding!-  
  
-what are you going to do with chocolate pudding and Ron?-  
  
-Trap Ron and Malfoy in a giant bowl of chocolate pudding for a week. Then, out of spite, we're going to lock them in a room for two days or until they kill eachother, whichever comes first! And we be able to see it all, laugh at them, just to show how cruel and evil we are!-  
  
-correction, you're cruel and evil (in a good way) and I'm not. You do know that when they both get out of there, they're going to hunt you down and kill you?-  
  
-a minor setback. C'mon Harry, where's your Marauder spirit?-  
  
-I'm not a Marauder-  
  
-But you're the son, and godson, of two Marauders-  
  
-Point taken. But where are we going to get enough chocolate pudding?  
  
-House elves.duh-  
  
-Hermione won't like it, you know?-  
  
-So.your point?-  
  
-Nevermind. Where are we going to get a big enough bowl?-  
  
-Hmm.that could present a problem, where do you suppose we could get a big enough bowl?-  
  
-Dunno-  
  
-That's it, I'm asking Hermy-  
  
-Hey Hermy, where can I find a giant bowl big enough for two people and a lot of chocolate pudding?-  
  
-I don't know, why?-  
  
-uh.hold on a second Herms-  
  
-Harry, should I tell her?-  
  
-No! she won't let us do it!-  
  
-okay-  
  
-it's for an, uh.-  
  
-eating contest!-  
  
I mouthed a silent 'thank you' to Harry and went about bugging Hermione on where I can get a giant bowl.  
  
-Hermy! I need to know where I can get a giant bowl!-  
  
-you could transfigure one, but that's advanced magic, you'd need a teacher-  
  
-NO! No teachers, absolutley not!- -what are you two planning?-  
  
-nothing-  
  
-nothing at all-  
  
-sure, okay-  
  
I sat there thinking about who we could get to do this, then it came to me.  
  
-Harry! I got it! We could get Sirius to do it, he's an ex-marauder, he's probably done something like this b/4-  
  
-he can't. he's on a mission for Dumbledore and won't be here till christmas-  
  
-damn!-  
  
-now what?-  
  
-gimme a minute-  
  
-Harry! Harry! I got it! I know who'd do it for us! I'm so smart!-  
  
-who?-  
  
-Fred and George, so simple I don't know why I didn't think of it b/4-  
  
-brilliant! And if you were so smart, you'd have thought of it b/4-  
  
-shut up, stupid scar head-  
  
-great comeback-  
  
-I know!-  
  
-trying be all conceited like Malfoy, huh? Not doin a very a good job-  
  
-shut up scar head-  
  
-malfoy says that too you know-  
  
-okay snake boy-  
  
-Hey it's not my fault I can talk to snakes, blame voldemort, he tried to kill me!-  
  
-of course, it's always the old "blame voldie, he tried to kill me" spiel. You know very well that you shouldn't have stolen his bunny slippers, that's why he tried to kill you. Bad bunny slipper thief Harry!-  
  
at this point, Harry couldn't write because he laughing too much.  
  
"Mr. Potter!" cried Binns "would you kindly refrain from laughing in my class"  
  
"Yes sir" he said.  
  
-the plan commences at lunch-  
  
-alright- 


	4. In Which I Turn Harry to a Beagle Puppy

IN HONOR OF HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHEONIX, I, VOX ARYNNE, PRESENT TO YOU, THE READERS CHAPTER FOUR!!!  
  
I Go To Hogwarts By Vox Arynne  
  
  
  
Chapter Four  
  
  
  
We were all slightly bored (meaning here extemeley bored). Hermione was reading some book, dunno what it was about.  
  
"Where's Ron?" Harry asked.  
  
"Dunno, think he went to find Ginny, hear she's got herself a boyfriend, some guy from Ravenclaw, anyway, you know Ron, hope she ain't doin anything naughty" I replied.  
  
"hmm" he said "I'm bored"  
  
"me too" I said, I found a pen in my pocket and started drawing on my arm.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Drawing"  
  
"On your arm"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Why don't you just get some paper?"  
  
"Where's the fun in that? Anyway, 'm too lazy. You could me some paper if it bothers you that much"  
  
"No thanks"  
  
"Then shut up and stop complaining"  
  
"Fine" about five minutes later Ron came back in, looked at me drawing on my arm, shrugged and sat down on the couch.  
  
"Why are you drawing on your arm?" Ron and Hermione asked at the same time.  
  
"If it bothers you that much, you can go get me some paper"  
  
"No thanks" Hermione replied, while Ron got up and went to his dorm, presumably to get paper. "anyway, that still doesn't answer why you're doing it"  
  
"Cuz I want to, I'm bored, and why does it matter?"  
  
"Oh nevermind"  
  
"okay" Ron came back down with some paper and set it on the table in front of me. I didn't say anything.  
  
"Aren't you going to thank me?' he asked.  
  
"Nope"  
  
"Okay, are you going to use the paper?"  
  
"Nope"  
  
"You mean I went to get and you're not even going to use it"  
  
"Yep"  
  
"So you are going to use it"  
  
"Nope"  
  
"Ugh!" he threw his hands up in frustration and sat down. I continued to doodle on my arm.  
  
"You know, you didn't have to go get the paper, if it bothers you that much, I'll stop"  
  
"No, go right ahead and keep drawing"  
  
"Whatever" I continued to doodle until my arm was covered in blue and black ink (I had found another pen). I was going to start on the other arm when I heard a quiet tapping coming from the windows. I looked to see about ten owls waiting outside it. I opened the window and let them in, they all flew over to Harry and gave him their letters. He started to open one, I ran over and snatched I out of his hand. I scanned it and shouted,  
  
"Look at this everyone, Harry's got fanmail!" Harry tried grab it, but I darted away.  
  
"Hey!'  
  
"Dear Harry Potter," I began, putting on a high, squeaky voice "I think you're the bravest person that ever lived, facing He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named so many times and the way you faced that dragon in the tournament last year. And it was just ever so noble how rescued that girl from the lake when she wasn't your hostage. Sincerley Amanda Jones P.S: enclosed is a picture of myself and my address, if you ever want to stop by"  
  
Peals of laughter came from the crowd around us. Harry glared and pulled out his wand. I gulped.  
  
"Oh shit" I mumbled, Harry's real good at curses.  
  
"locomotor mortis!" he said, it caught me off guard so I couldn't go anywhere.  
  
"Damn" I swore. "Furnunculus!" great big boils popped up on his face. "oh, poor Harry, guess your fans won't like that will they" I said sarcasticaly.  
  
"Rictusempra!" I just managed to hop out of the way.  
  
"Quickly minions" I said. "perform that spell that I can't seem to remember right now! Petrificus totalus!" harry jumped out of the way. "damn you Potter"  
  
"Oh really, did you know that it is illegal to read someone else's mail?"  
  
"Course I did, but that only applies to before said mail has been opened"  
  
"It also applies to when said mail has been read by the proper recipiant"  
  
"Stop trying to act smart, that's my job Rictusempra!" Harry, too busy trying to think of a comeback, got hit with the curse. "Haha! Score one for me, zip for Potter! Stupefy!" In my excitement, my aim was off. "damn"  
  
In the following ten minutes, curses, hexes, and whatnot, were hurled back and forth between myself and Harry. The end result: Harry was a puppy dog, and I was laughing.  
  
"Can someone please take this curse off me so I can walk! OW!" Harry bit me. "Bad puppy, no food for you. And I'm not gonna change you back"  
  
"Lindsey" Hermione scolded "You sure turn him back before you get in trouble"  
  
"One: have I ever cared about getting in trouble? Two: he's so cute as a wittle puppy, I think I'll leave him like that for awhile"  
  
"What about classes?"  
  
"Don't worry, I'll change him back by then. Live a little, Herms" she sighed "anyways, I gotta go, 'm sposed to meet Lisa and Niv for an unauthorized Hogsmeade trip"  
  
"Who're Lisa and Niv?"  
  
"You know Niv, my Ravenclaw friend. And Lisa, Lisa Turpin, sixth year, like us, cept she's also a ravenclaw"  
  
"Oh, I know her"  
  
"Great! I'm gonna go now" I started towards the portrait hole, when I heard a short bark. I turned around, Harry was right behind me "What, I spose your goin to follow now huh?" The puppy barked. "Whatever"  
  
  
  
END CHAPTER FOUR!  
  
TOOK ME LONG ENOUGH HUH? WELL HERE IT IS 


	5. In Which I Give Advice

HELLO READERS,  
SORRY IT HAS BEEN TAKING ME A LONG  
TIME  
I HAVE BEEN VERY BUSY THESE PAST FEW MONTHS  
BUT, I NOW HAVE FIVE DAYS OFF  
AND MY MID-TERMS ARE OVER  
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO  
I, VOX ARYNNE  
PRESENT,  
FOR YOUR READING ENTERTAINMENT  
  
CHAPTER FIVE  
  
I hurried down to that statue that leads to Honeydukes, with an annoying Beagle puppy (by the Name of Harry Potter) snapping at my heals.  
  
"If you don't stop that right now, I will personally see to it that you don't get changed back by the classes start again, just for my amusement and your humiliation!" he stopped to contemplate this for a second, then continued to run after me, minus the ankle biting. Panting heavily, I reached the statue.  
  
"You're late"  
  
"Not my fault, got held up"  
  
"By who?" a loud bark was heard behind me.  
  
"By him"  
  
"Oh he's so cute, who is he?" Lisa said.  
  
"My good friends, may I present, for my extreme amusement, and his extreme humiliation, the one the only, Harry James Potter"  
  
"I'm not going to ask" Niv said "knowing you, it probably is Harry Potter"  
  
"He is, hey Harry, aren't you Harry?" the dog barked. "see I told you"  
  
"Nevermind, let's just go" Lisa said.  
  
"New Plan!" I cried  
  
"What?" they asked.  
  
"Well first, we need Harry, next, we need to find Snape, Malfoy, or any random Slytherin will do"  
  
"Preferably Malfoy or Snape" muttered Lisa.  
  
"Exactly! But, this delicate operation must be carried out in 


End file.
